B is for Betting on Myself (finally)

I am a writer. There, I've said it. Not, "I want to be a writer" or "I'm going to be a writer" anymore. I AM a writer. I spend so much time planning on doing that I never actually do. I tell myself that I'm not as good as others so I don't even try. I have so many ideas bugging me, so many stories waiting to be told. I am doing those ideas a disservice by fearing, doubting, and procrastinating. My life has been a long series of putting off my dreams for just one more thing to do before I take the risk and trust my art. As soon as I move, as soon as I finish school, as soon as I find a better job...

Last summer, a friend and I had a brainstorming session about a series of Pagan eBooks we want to write. Between health issues and holidays in retail our list still sits untouched. I created an outline for a Pagan cozy mystery for NaNoWriMo 2013. I even started the first chapter. Then I started what will possible be a Pagan science fiction story. I have a general idea where I want that story to go. It, like all of my other ideas, sits all sad and neglected. I have a very hard time letting go of insecurities. I'm getting older and starting to worry that where I am is where I'll always be.

I work retail, selling used books. I've worked for almost 19 years selling other's stories. It's something I'm very good at. Always have been. But it no longer makes me happy. And it leaves me so tired and sad at the end of the day, sapped of the energy to create. While I know a retail establishment is supposed to worry about profits, some of them used to care how they treated their employees. We were considered a valuable resource, an asset to company. Now we're just cogs in the moneygrubbing machine. And completely interchangeable. Individual knowledge of a subject has been replaced by keyword searches in a database. I won't even go into how the attitudes of the customers has changed. It wasn't until I started working on this post that I realized exactly why I stay even though the job is not what it used to be. It is simply because I am so good at the job. It was the one thing at which I felt absolutely confident I could succeed. It was my "sure thing" to always have a paycheck. As a Taurus I got comfortable in my rut. Now I spend my time fearing I'll never get out.

I've consulted my Tarot deck, my pendulum, and done spells for guidance. Then ignored the answers when they seemed too scary. My deities have all let me know that I need to take the risk, to trust that if I follow my heart as well as my head that the means to pay the bills will come. I hear it. I do. Then I freak out at the idea of not being able to feed my kitties. So I stay at the miserable retail job. Not anymore. One last "as soon as" and I'll take the jump. It is time to bet on my heart instead of my finances. I put my hands in my fictional Pagan graphic designer living in a small town (and in the broomcloset) in Texas. Sophie's stories need telling.

Book reviews

I should have known better than to make a specific plan about posts. That usually means something else will come along and beg to be written instead. I will try to post about music once for each letter, but will no longer make promises. ;)


This week I'm making good on a promise made months ago. As a bookseller, I like to keep up with what's new and popular. I signed up on a site called Netgalley to receive advanced reading copies (in eBook format) to be reviewed on my blogs. Llewellyn was one of the first publishers to give me automatic download rights to any books available on NetGalley. I was very excited and chose several books that seemed interesting. Then nothing. I've read a couple and never blogged about them until now. I'll try to post reviews in a more timely fashion (and not only Llewellyn titles). This time I'm reviewing one book I received free and one I purchased.
 
First, I'll talk about Rituals of Celebration: Honoring the Seasons of Life through the Wheel of the Year by Jane Meredith. It is like others in that it talks about all of the Sabbats; their histories, what they mean, and ways to celebrate them. A major difference here is that the author starts each with her own experiences. She talks about her most memorable ritual with each Sabbat. Then she includes a full group ritual and activities. Her rituals are described in a way that you almost feel like you are with the group, celebrating as well.

I will admit that I didn't read the entire book, though not due to poor quality. It is geared to covens or group rituals and I am very much a solitary, rarely including more than a couple of people in my magick. I would still gladly recommend this to fellow Pagans who love to work in groups. The whole book gives the celebrations a very intimate and personal feel.


The other title is Llewellyn's Complete Book of Correspondences by Sandra Kynes. I learned about this title through an e-mail I received from Amazon about upcoming books I might like. They don't always get those right. I immediately added it to my wish list and bought it shortly after it was released. I LOVE this book. The subtitle, a Comprehensive & Cross-referenced Resource for Pagans & Wiccans, is exactly what this book is. I'd recently been trying to compile for myself and my website a list that gave all the different correspondences for the intentions I use the most; candles, incense, herb, stones, deities, and more. Now I have that and more in a handy resource that I access regularly. The seven chapters each cover the different correspondence lists, starting with Intention. This is the perfect first section, as we tend to have a reason for a spell and then search for the perfect tools to help. The cross-referencing goes way beyond that. It includes sections on the plants, minerals, animals, deities, astrology and time, and other miscellaneous options. If I want to know what to use when working with Artemis, my primary Goddess, the chart will show everything from element and Sabbat to herbs, animals, and intentions. Or I can see the way to use my hematite or patchouli incense. It is indeed the most comprehensive list I've seen.

I do have my own ideas about some correspondences, some that make more sense to me. And I think everyone should choose what feels right to them. A wonderful example of this is a blog post I read recently when looking for tree correspondences for a novel I'm working on. The author adjusted her use of certain trees to reflect her local area. Like me, she's from Texas. We don't have some of the trees typically suggested for certain correspondences so she revamped her list for her location. The state tree of Texas is the Pecan, so naturally that will have more significance for a Texan than it might for others.

This is book is a great starting point and what every beginner could use to try out tools and see which ones work best for them. It puts lots of information in one easily-accessed location.

Awakening 2.0

Last year, I talked about not feeling energies. A friend talked with me about it and helped me to realize that maybe I do feel the energies, simply in a different ways than others. Because my experiences were not like the ones I've read about, I assumed it was something wrong with me. I do still believe that I am missing something, but it can be fixed. Looking back on my path, I figured out that I took many shortcuts. Simply reading about practices and rituals is not the same as actually putting them into action. I thought I could skip the "easy" steps and move onto the spell work. I tried to build a Pagan practice without creating a foundation on which to build. And now I'm paying the price.

So, time for Awakening 2.0, the right way. I kept a few of my beginner's books and plan to work through those again. This time without skipping the important basics. I am learning the deities I'm meant to work with and how to work properly with Artemis, the goddess I've been drawn to since childhood, long before I knew I was Pagan. I will build proper altars and use the tools. I will try other forms of divination aside from tarot, though I will continue with it as well, starting with the pendulum. It is something I can practice anytime, anywhere as long as I have on my pentagram necklace. My main pendulum will be a moonstone point I bought to honor Artemis. And a friend and I are working with "Empowering Your Life with Wicca" by Sirona Knight. It has twelve steps of empowering to reach my goals of love, health and prosperity. We'll take a week for each step (unless more are needed) and hopefully take control of many pressing issues.

While I know I can do the occasional quick spell for small things, I'll take the time on important work to call a circle, to work with all of the elements. I can only awaken my gifts and potential if I'm willing to do the work. All of the work. No whining that it's not working. No shortcuts. I'm very excited to begin to get to know my deities and what I can do with (and for) them. Another post last year mentioned a MAJOR problem I want to work on; the fracking in my area. That problem is too big for me alone. I will need to call on all who will listen, human and Goddess alike to repair such damage on a global scale.

A is for Arkona and Amorphis

Last year I wrote a post about music and how little Pagan music I really know. I think this year I'll do my music research along with the Pagan Blog Project. I'll learn new artists for each letter of the alphabet for the two weeks we post that same letter. I plan to try out all kinds of genres and music from all around the world. My choices for the letter A are both metal bands.

I think I'll like Arkona a little better than Amorphis, but I've only sampled a few songs from each group. I can imagine using some of their songs in spells that need a bit more passion and energy than I can muster on my own. Arkona is a Russian Pagan metal band whose lyrics are influenced by Russian folklore and Slavic mythology, using some traditional instruments to create a unique sound. Amorphis is a Finnish death metal band and while not specifically Pagan that I can tell, they use the Kalevala as inspiration for a large portion of their lyrics. The added bonus to learning about new bands is that I get not only a new kind of music in my already eclectic mix, but I'm picking up new cultures and mythologies. Very cool!

Assimilation

I've had a few issues on my mind for a while now, big picture kind of issues. One was not an issue that I needed to fix, only to figure out where I felt I belonged. The others will require changes well beyond the power of a solitary or small group. I happened upon an analogy that fits all three of the biggest issues. I've been a HUGE Star Trek fans for many years. A friend and I decided to revisit some of our preferred episodes over the week, culminating in a marathon on Thanksgiving and Black Friday; the best of the Borg.

The "resistance is futile" attitude of the Borg is where the analogy comes in to play. Okay, first issue. There has been lots of talk online about Teo Bishop and his choice to return to Christianity. Both sides raise very excellent points. I would never begrudge someone finding the spiritual path to which they feel called. I also know how a spiritual journey can take turns we never expect. But I also understand why some are worried. I love the idea of people being able to have spirituality as they see fit, but the very nature of humanity makes that difficult. We're competitive, argumentative, and inquisitive. Add in the "our way is the only right way" attitude of many organized religions and you have a virtual impossibility. Don't get me wrong. Religious separatism is not something I am endorsing or even happy about.

Hence the following ugly comparison, one that I know does NOT represent the whole group; Christianity (or at least the most visible and vocal) seems to operate exactly like a Borg collective. It moves from region to region, from person to person, learning all it can in order to assimilate new cultures. It doesn't wish to peacefully coexist. A feeling of superiority gives free reign to convert people to their "perfect" religion, one that professes peace and love while using any means necessary to show the world how wrong their beliefs are. They spew messages of hate and anger, all while claiming to be persecuted by anyone with a voice that would present an opposing idea. And this isn't a new way of doing things. For centuries, they either bend others to their will or systematically destroy them. It is this attitude that has some Pagans worried, not because Bishop felt called back to Christianity, but because such a public display of this decision has been made. It is more fuel to the fire of evangelism. If someone so visible in the Pagan community can be brought back into the fold, surely they can "save" others. And if they cannot be saved, they could possibly use his knowledge and experience as ammunition against his former community. How easy would it be to twist the meanings of spells or rituals to show a parent unfit, an employee as a danger, to discredit someone? So much of the government and legal system already have a Christian bias. No, I'm not saying that will happen or that Bishop specifically would offer up information. I'm simply suggesting that the fears that it could happen are completely understandable. Past evidence bears that out.

Okay, onto Borg analogy 2. This one was brought home only too clearly this week, one that is already happening. We as a nation of consumers are creating our own collective, one that disregards the needs of others. We are so focused on what we want that we can't see the bigger picture or the damage we may be causing. Our constant need to own things and get them very cheap, shows exactly what we've become as a species. For years, retailers have been opening earlier and earlier on Black Friday. Now they've taken over Thanksgiving, ruined a day that is supposed to be about giving thanks and spending time with loved ones. All to sell us crap we don't need and spend money we don't have all in the name of Christmas. And we don't care who we have to step on to get our way. We become savage brutes willing to pull a gun on someone who cut in line or stole a parking spot. At least this year no one was trampled to death. No one should have to die for others to own cheap electronics. The worst part in all this is what we are really doing is helping those retailers clear out old inventory they couldn't sell the rest of the year and making a few VERY rich.  What gets me is the stores that decided to open extra early. At this point we expect it from places like Walmart, Target, and Best Buy as electronics are usually top of the list of gift lists. Grocery stores carry necessities so that is no surprise either. But what could be so necessary that Michaels felt the need to open early? There's no such thing as a crafting emergency, so WTF? And Staples? "Hon, we're out pens and paper clips" and Thanksgiving will be ruined without them? There were many people who went to retailers' Facebook pages and Twitter accounts to express their disgust and disappointment but the only voice the stores will hear is the cha-ching of the registers raking in sales. Until we stop acting like consumer drones, we continue to contribute to loss of the human side of our economy.

The last worry on my mind is the most frightening. It is the one that parked itself a couple of blocks from my apartment about two weeks ago. It will require the most attention and innovation to overcome total annihilation, calling for revolution and healing on a global level. Fracking is the ultimate assimilation and the kick in the ass is that we are allowing it to happen. Whether through inaction, ignorance, or despondence we are watching our way of life fall apart, watching the human race damage all that Witches hold sacred. The gas companies are scooping out large chunks of our nature, punching holes in the earth, and releasing poisons Goddess put underground for a reason. Nature works in a specific way and to presume we know better is to invite disaster. These blights poison, the air, the land, and the water. People are getting sick. Animals are dying. And the gas companies deny any wrongdoing.

They release tons of methane into the air, further speeding up the human created climate problems. They pump hundreds of unknown chemicals into the ground to release the gas, swearing that they are not contaminating the water supply no matter how much evidence is gathered to prove otherwise. Gaia is screaming out to us and we turn a deaf ear. I say we because until very recently I knew there were issues with fracking but I had no idea just how bad it was. I didn't know many fracking towers were out there pulling up what is supposedly a natural, clean alternative to other fossil fuels. Then I was introduced to Gasland and Gasland 2, eye-opening documentaries about what fracking is doing to our country (more like our world) and how much control the gas companies have over our government. Thanks to a loophole in the Clean Air Act and Clean Water Act added in 2005 by the Bush Administration, they are not required to report the fracking chemical mix. Not even the EPA is able to stop them. The fight against fracking will be a LONG, uphill battle against a government bought and paid for by major corporations. And I fear that the only way to do that is a revolution. Until we're truly willing to fight for what is right, we'll continue to live under the thumb of a corrupt political body.

In the meantime, the best hope for the earth must be Pagans, the true stewards of our most precious resources; earth, air, and water. We need to use our power to heal the wounds and try to minimize the spread of the poison. Magick must be the band-aid until more comprehensive healing can take place after the damage is stopped for good. Also, there needs to be a push to prioritize solar and wind energy as truly clean alternatives. As a quote I saw on Facebook said, "When we have a solar energy spill it is called a beautiful day." The same cannot be said for any fossil fuel spills.

Passion without Power

For many years I've read the books, blogs, and other websites in search of the many ways of practicing magick; the right way, the wrong way, and how to determine my own personal way. I've learned quite a bit about practicing the craft and know I will always have room in my brain for more. What I look for more and more is how to make it an integral part of my daily life, not simply something I pull out for emergencies and special occasions. I am also looking for a way to find something I am desperately missing. Power. The ability to feel the energies around and within us.

This is NOT a crisis of faith. I don't doubt my beliefs. It is quite the contrary. Since the day I walked away from the Baptist church, before I even learned the truth about Witchcraft, I knew there was something already out there that fit with my beliefs about deity and spirituality. I just had to find it. And it was in those many books, blogs, and websites that I found Paganism. Well, first I found Wicca and felt it to be too rigid for my liking. But the basic ideas are still there. I was always bothered by many of the Christian ideals. Women are far too important to the scheme of life to simply be an extension of, or property for, men. The thought that someone died so long ago to forgive sins we haven't even committed yet seemed weird. It felt like a free pass to be as bad as we wanted because it was expected and the slate already wiped clean; no real consequences in this life for our actions. I embrace the idea that we are supposed to harm none, we are not supposed to actively put negativity out into the world. It will come back. And all the positive we release has a positive outcome as well. I prefer the concept that if we do something wrong, we pay for it here, where the wrong was committed. I am certain that there is energy all around, in everything, that we can call upon to help us when our own energy isn't enough to achieve a goal. I'm sure that there are times when energies are stronger and times when they wane.

My problem is that, though I know in my heart they are there, I can't feel them. I can close my eyes and visualize what it would look like, but there is no hum, no vibrations, nothing different. I can't sit on the ground and pull up energy from the earth. Can't feel it flow and push the negative back out. I stand on a beach, tide flowing in and out, and I feel nothing more than the water on my feet, pulling back out to the ocean. I know that to do even the most simple of spells you need to focus energies. I can see in my mind's eye what I wish to accomplish, imagine the end result. I can feel hope that it will come to pass. But it always seems like I'm going through the motions without contributing, like I've set the tea kettle on the stove without turning it on. You can't get tea if the water doesn't boil. And I can't make a spell work if I can't put energy into it. And isn't something I've been able to learn from all of my reading. Either you can feel the energy or you can't. I end up feeling like a fake.

I've read so many stories about what it feels like to work with energies outside ourselves, known people who can feel the extra energies on days of power. And I feel so sad and a bit jealous
, like I'm missing out on something wonderful. Am I subconsciously blocking myself? Or am I not supposed to feel it? Is it fear or something that will always be beyond my reach?
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M is for Music...Again

I realized in retrospect and had it pointed out to me that my last post had absolutely no truly Pagan music. While it is nice to have mainstream music that can be moving and inspirational, I am doing myself no favors by neglecting music created with and for magick and spellwork. I'm not sure what my hesitation has been up this point. I don't know if it's denial or fear of some sort. Or just stubbornness. I think I've told myself that I don't know who the good artists are, who will fit in with my music tastes. But I know that is an excuse. I never had problems finding stuff I like in mainstream genres. Just turn on a radio, check out other people's playlists. Hell, just ask a fellow Pagan. I wonder if it was a way to hold myself back. Music is integral to my daily life and I am avoiding what could be my most powerful magickal tool. I don't even know why.

So I did what I should have done years ago. I asked my closest Pagan friend what she likes. She sent me links to her favorites and things she thought I would like. What follows are my three first baby steps in discovering music that could increase my magick exponentially.

The above videos (for those who can't see them on devices that don't allow them) are by S. J. Tucker, Emerald Rose, and Damh the Bard. I also am trying Wendy Rule, Gwydion, and the album Return of the Goddess. I look forward to adding playlists to my devices and trying out new spell work with my newly acquired knowledge. This is but the beginning of my learning. As far as I'm concerned, I can never have too much new music. I welcome any and all suggestions of your favorite magickal music.