For many years I've read the books, blogs, and other websites in search of the many ways of practicing magick; the right way, the wrong way, and how to determine my own personal way. I've learned quite a bit about practicing the craft and know I will always have room in my brain for more. What I look for more and more is how to make it an integral part of my daily life, not simply something I pull out for emergencies and special occasions. I am also looking for a way to find something I am desperately missing. Power. The ability to feel the energies around and within us.
This is NOT a crisis of faith. I don't doubt my beliefs. It is quite the contrary. Since the day I walked away from the Baptist church, before I even learned the truth about Witchcraft, I knew there was something already out there that fit with my beliefs about deity and spirituality. I just had to find it. And it was in those many books, blogs, and websites that I found Paganism. Well, first I found Wicca and felt it to be too rigid for my liking. But the basic ideas are still there. I was always bothered by many of the Christian ideals. Women are far too important to the scheme of life to simply be an extension of, or property for, men. The thought that someone died so long ago to forgive sins we haven't even committed yet seemed weird. It felt like a free pass to be as bad as we wanted because it was expected and the slate already wiped clean; no real consequences in this life for our actions. I embrace the idea that we are supposed to harm none, we are not supposed to actively put negativity out into the world. It will come back. And all the positive we release has a positive outcome as well. I prefer the concept that if we do something wrong, we pay for it here, where the wrong was committed. I am certain that there is energy all around, in everything, that we can call upon to help us when our own energy isn't enough to achieve a goal. I'm sure that there are times when energies are stronger and times when they wane.
My problem is that, though I know in my heart they are there, I can't feel them. I can close my eyes and visualize what it would look like, but there is no hum, no vibrations, nothing different. I can't sit on the ground and pull up energy from the earth. Can't feel it flow and push the negative back out. I stand on a beach, tide flowing in and out, and I feel nothing more than the water on my feet, pulling back out to the ocean. I know that to do even the most simple of spells you need to focus energies. I can see in my mind's eye what I wish to accomplish, imagine the end result. I can feel hope that it will come to pass. But it always seems like I'm going through the motions without contributing, like I've set the tea kettle on the stove without turning it on. You can't get tea if the water doesn't boil. And I can't make a spell work if I can't put energy into it. And isn't something I've been able to learn from all of my reading. Either you can feel the energy or you can't. I end up feeling like a fake.
I've read so many stories about what it feels like to work with energies outside ourselves, known people who can feel the extra energies on days of power. And I feel so sad and a bit jealous
, like I'm missing out on something wonderful. Am I subconsciously blocking myself? Or am I not supposed to feel it? Is it fear or something that will always be beyond my reach?
Follow my blog with Bloglovin